I'm surprised. Surprised to read all these rules of politeness and etiquette about the French. I actually thought we weren’t particularly respectful of rules, and even less so of others. Maybe Parisians (from certain arrondissements, not all, thankfully!) have somewhat “worldly” standards. They do have a pretty bad reputation in the rest of France.
I’m French, born in Normandy (in the north of France), and for a few years now, I’ve been living in the south. Everywhere I’ve been, except in a few fancy parts of Paris, I can assure you:
- Eating a peach with your hands? That’s actually encouraged, and I’ve honestly never seen anyone eat a whole piece of fruit with cutlery. It’s very surprising, or very Parisian. But hey, why not.
- Correcting someone? That’s actually one of our specialties, especially when it comes to how someone expresses themselves or speaks. I don’t approve of it, I find it condescending, but on that point, we agree.
- Pizza? In the south, we have lots of little shops that sell it by the slice. You eat it with your hands, and we’re proud to wolf it down in public. I’ve never seen a particularly refined French person eating pizza (well, maybe in Paris).
- Hamburgers? Okay, I’ll give you that one. But there are two camps: those who eat them with a knife and fork, and those who use their hands. In a nice restaurant, yes, it’s more polite to use cutlery. But no one will bother you if you use your hands, unless you’re sitting at the table of a very, very upscale place.
- Fries? We eat them with a fork or with our fingers, usually by the handful. We dip them generously (a bit too generously, really) into mayo or ketchup. But to appear refined, or because the fries are thick, or simply because we’re kids, we’ll eat them one at a time using just a couple of fingers.
- Here are the foods traditionally eaten with your hands in France, without anyone blinking an eye: pain au chocolat, brioche and other pastries, bread, soft and hard cheeses, cured sausage, chicken legs, shrimp, whelks, seafood, apples, crêpes, kebabs, frog legs… and so on. Honestly, the list is long, so I’ll stop here.
- Step out of a village bar in the north or a bar in Marseille, and you’ll feel your eardrums ringing. People talk loudly, especially during football matches or when they’ve had one too many drinks, but that only happens in more casual, popular places.
- Thanks for the expression “Et ton caleçon, il est de quelle couleur?” I didn’t know that one, it's actually kind of funny and cute.
- We’re really strict about saying “bonjour.” There’s even a French rapper who wrote a song about it. One of the lyrics goes (I translate) : “He didn't say hello, fu** his mother.” Not exactly subtle! As for “Madame” or “Monsieur,” it’s not a must. It’s mostly older generations who say that, our sweet, well-mannered elders.
- From a young age, we’re taught to say thank you for everything, no matter what. Even if someone hands you a tissue. That’s definitely true.
- I recently hosted a dinner at home with some friends. My husband didn’t once offer to refill our guests’ wine. I was the one who did it. Patriarchy in France? Maïa Mazaurette would probably agree. I’ve often heard that Americans are much better at this (though that’s just hearsay).
- Oh yes, yes, and yes again! “You never serve only yourself.” You always serve others first, and you always offer. But sadly, that habit is fading.
- Having worked in restaurants, I can tell you: butter is not served with bread simply because if you eat it, you’ll be too full. And if you’re full, you won’t order dessert. That’s lost revenue. Especially since bread and butter are free.
- Cheese in restaurants? Yes! Always eaten with utensils, especially a knife. A fork is optional. Still, no one will be shocked if you eat cheese with your fingers. Unless it’s a really runny cheese, then it’s not exactly the most elegant sight.
- Hands on the table, not in your lap: my grandparents used to say that when I was little. But that’s changed a lot.
- Not talking to babies you don’t know? My husband totally agrees. I don’t. Women especially can speak to babies without fear of a disapproving look, and without needing social status or a certain age.
- Greeting the room in a waiting area? Yes, absolutely.
- Respect is fundamental? Really? For us French, is respect really that central? Bonjour, merci… and that’s about it.
- Interrupting others? That’s all we do, and honestly, it’s exhausting. People rarely listen until the end, most will cut you off mid-sentence. It’s draining. We only avoid interrupting when we’re trying hard to make a good impression, which isn’t that often.
I wish that one day, foreigners would stop reducing France to Parisians and their manners. Because the way Parisians behave, especially in certain arrondissements, doesn’t reflect how all French people behave. France is not Paris.
Thank you, Manon. You’re right that so many of these habits vary depending on region, generation, and even arrondissement. This piece was written from the perspective of life on the Rive Gauche of Paris, which, as you know, has its own set of social codes.
France is, of course, much more than Paris but the stories I share here are real, and drawn from the life that I live here. I appreciate you taking the time to share your broader view. It’s a great reminder that “French culture” means many things, and that’s part of what makes it so fascinating.
Many of these social “rules” are also true in Portugal. I was struck by the greeting to everyone in a doctor’s waiting room, for example, or a “get well, everyone,” when leaving. I love these small gestures of cultured finesse.
I love that, Emily, it’s so true. There’s such grace in those small communal gestures, especially in everyday places like waiting rooms. It’s lovely to see how many of these manners are shared across European cultures. I was actually raised by a Belgian mother who was also quite strict about rules, and sometimes felt absurdly formal for the US!
I’m taking two people who have never been to Paris next week. I’ve been trying to explain that the French are formal and polite. My biggest challenge is not interrupting. Paris is good practice for my interactions at home too!
I love that you’re bringing first-timers! They’re lucky to have you as a cultural translator. Resisting the urge to interrupt is such a valuable skill here (and honestly, everywhere). Paris as etiquette bootcamp… I’m stealing that line!
My wife and I have probably been to Paris 7 or 8 times now, the last being for a full month in 2023. We were excited on our first day there and stopped at Eric Kayser in the 6th for a sandwich that we were planning to take to Luxembourg Gardens. I knew the rule of greeting everyone with a 'bonjour' so, so, SO well, but somehow in my American efficiency mode, I managed to totally skip this courtesy. Trying to keep things moving along, I simply launched into my sandwich order. The gentleman behind the counter loudly interrupted me, never making eye contact, simply saying 'BONJOUR"! Mortified, I realized my faux pas. Starting over, I gave him my best French greetng (I'm not fluent, but probably considered intermediate). We moved on, but the remainder of the interaction was *really* cold on his part. The damage was done and it was a frustrating mistake on my part. Never forget this lesson!
So many people think the French are rude, but they really aren't. They have bad days like the rest of us. Looking back, I appreciate him not letting me get away with this.
Oh Richard, I feel that! That “BONJOUR” barked across the counter really does feel like a slap on the wrist, especially when you're still in an American efficiency mindset. I actually worked at a Starbucks in NYC (360 Lexington, I loved it!) and later in Paris as a student, and wow — the difference in pace is a whole other universe. In France, service is much more relaxed, almost ritualistic. So I completely understand wanting to grab your sandwich and go. But as you said, the French mindset is just different, for better or worse. Thank you for sharing this story, and bravo for circling back with your best bonjour. That’s truly what matters.
I learned the "never serve yourself without offering" rule in Taiwan, decades ago. My entire relationship with my college BFF's MIL was the two of us, with no languages in common, offering one another bites off the lazy susan of delicious dishes. RIP Mme. Chau, I miss you and your very sly twinkle in your eye.
Charlotte, what a moving story. That quiet, shared understanding across cultures is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this memory, and Mme. Chau sounds like someone I would have loved to meet.
Many of these things apply to Italy as well (although you will NEVER be served butter with bread - butter is for cooking and baking), but the speaking quietly thing really hit me when on a train in France: in Italy, people will raise their voices to be heard to the extent that everyone ends up outright yelling, and you can’t escape the TMI. Travelling on a crowded train in France I suddenly realised that while everyone was conversing, they were all talking quietly amongst themselves. No one adopted that very Italian habit of settling into their seat and phoning their every living relative to loudly update them on their bowel movements and thoughts on their colleagues for the entirety of the journey.
Louise, this gave me such a vivid image of that Italian train ride 😅 I love how clearly you drew the contrast. There really is something so discreet about the way people speak in France, even in crowded public spaces. That said, I’ve definitely been on a few regional trains where someone blasts music or forgets the platform exists for phone calls… so alas, not always perfect here either.
Saying "bonjour" and "au revoir" is just saying "I recognize your dignity", something we all need more of in today's society. It's part of Égalité and Fraternité. And you should look the person in the eye when you say it, if possible.
Two differences with your rules based on my experience:
1. the higher-end the restaurant, the more likely you are to be served butter with your bread. Often it may be a flavored butter, e.g., last night it was flavored with smoked hay.
2. The rule about speaking softly in restaurants seems not to be so much respected by younger French people (imitation of Americans?).
Thank you, Claude. I really appreciate your thoughtful perspective on bonjour as an act of dignity and recognition, it’s so true, and such a beautiful way of seeing it. And yes, younger generations do sometimes blur the line a bit when it comes to volume. Hopefully it softens with age!
And you’re absolutely right about the butter in higher-end restaurants. I was thinking more of your classic bistro setting.
Oh I love this. Great tips. I always try to practice my minimal French when I visit France. I don't like noisy restaurants and I wish more of them in Ireland would adopt the French etiquette
Thank you, Lucy! It really does make a difference when visitors try even a little French. French restaurants can be noisy too, but it’s more of a « brouhaha » or a gentle hum rather than actual shouting.
P.S. I’m hoping to visit Ireland soon with my family. We’ve been looking at taking a roadtrip to visit Cork and the Emerald Coast. It looks so beautiful, I can’t wait.
I love in North Kerry. Cork and Kerry are beautiful this time of the year. Keep an eye on the weather forecasts. We had beautiful warm weather in May. It's cooled down now but hopefully will improve later in month. I visited Paris last September and Normandy in July. Hope to go to Paris again later in summer. I love the city
Oh, North Kerry must be magical this time of year! Thank you for the weather tip — fingers crossed we get a bit of that May warmth. And how lovely that you’re planning another Paris trip… maybe we’ll cross paths at a café one day!
Hi Pamela, I have been waiting for your newsletter since a day or two, watching for Friday afternoon to come! And boy was it worth it! I did not even realize there were so many rules until you point it out and I am like « but of course! »
I especially like the one in public places where it is expected to behave yourself, when your sharing too much or too loud or being too close to someone you don’t know there is a familiar French expression that says « on n’a pas gardé les cochons ensemble! » meaning we haven’t « looked after the pigs together »
And the sacred « bonjour madame ou bonjour monsieur » the only way to be treated correctly in a shop or in a restaurant or… well pretty much everywhere. Adding monsieur ou madame means that you are paying attention to the person and not just saying it out of habit
Thank you, Arnaud! I love that you picked up on “on n’a pas gardé les cochons ensemble”—such a classic expression that says so much about French boundaries in just a few words.
And yes to the sacred “bonjour madame/monsieur”! I think Americans often miss how much intentionality matters in those tiny rituals.
So glad this one resonated. You’re officially my favorite commenter this week 😉
“all interruptions are considered impolite”. France may be my country! In Italy many people interrupt every 10 seconds or never stop talking so you must end it, in a way or another.
I feel a bit slovenly reading this, but I must also complain that common courtesy seems to have taken a nosedive in the US over the last few decades, and that's saying something.
People don't seem to knock before entering single-occupancy restrooms, bring Bluetooth speakers to places which should be serene, and demonstrate myriad other forms of not giving a crap about the contentment of others.
It's as if the rule in America is, "If you can annoy others more than they can annoy you, you win!"
George, I hear you! France is definitely far from perfect, and I’ve noticed these lapses in courtesy here too. They tend to pop up more in certain places (like trains, the metro, or certain neighborhoods). I guess every country has its own flavor of social weirdness these days. Here’s hoping we can still carve out those small pockets of courtesy and kindness, wherever we are. My mom used to tell us, “ta liberté s’arrête là où commence celle des autres”—your freedom ends where the next person’s begins—and I still think it’s such a simple rule to live by. I just wish more people would embrace it.
It’s true, so much of the conversation around “freedom” in the US right now feels combative. It’s a tough time, and it seems all we can do is hope more people chose a different path. Here’s hoping we find our way back to more mutual respect and understanding.
Literally had to stop reading halfway through because I’m in the middle of writing a list of French rules and don’t want to copy 😬 Will finish and then laugh at how many we have in common. Didn’t know not to talk to babies I don’t know; oops, I’ve done that a lot.
Haha, I can’t wait to read yours! I’m sure we’ll have so many in common—there really are endless little rules here. As for the baby one, I think it’s less about not talking to babies and more about not crossing personal space boundaries (which feel especially sacred in public here?). We might need to keep digging on that one…
I would struggle mightily. I grew up in a very hick American area, in a very large and loud and boisterous family. We did have manners, “please, thank you, good morning…” We did not have the time for dining leisure…chores had to be done before getting out the door for school or work (I first worked for pay at 12 years old). I have since worked to be a little more “refined” about eating, but the old habits still come up a little.
Thank you for sharing this, Robert! I think what truly matters is being able to stay true to yourself, whether that’s enjoying a lively family meal or embracing a slower, more “refined” approach. Those early habits and memories shape us, and I’m convinced they set the tone for our preferences as adults.
Thank you for this nice résumé. I know correction feels impolite, Thank you for this nice résumé. I know correction feels impolite, but just so you know, "fruits à coque" are nuts, not stone fruit. La coque is the nutshell. Stone fruit is "fruits à noyau." Also, you can eat artichoke leaves and cold asparagus (spears, not tips alone) with your fingers!
And finally, an anecdote: decades ago, before the arrival of cell phones, I was in a small, quiet café with a pay phone on the wall in the back, as was the custom. A man walked in, removed his hat and gravely said, "Bonjour, messieurs-dames" to the room. He walked to the payphone, placed a call, and proceeded to loudly curse someone out, evidently a woman ("Connasse! Salope!"). Then he hung up and left, not without first saying, "Au revoir, messieurs-dames."
Tom, you’re absolutely right! Fruits à noyau, not fruits à coque. Thank you for pointing that out!
And yes, so many foods in France are happily eaten with the hands. The examples I used were more symbolic than exhaustive, a nod to the jambon-beurre and croissant if you will.
And your anecdote! It’s incredible and sounds like a perfectly framed scene from a French film.
Always google the etiquette of the place you’re visiting. The greeting thing is the same in Italy. And don’t touch the produce in the street markets. Learn a few words of the language. Helps immensely. Hello, goodbye, please, thank you, can you please help me? What is the cost?
Absolutely, Jean! Such good advice. A little etiquette goes a long way, and learning even just a few words of the language really does change the way people respond to you. The greeting thing in France (and Italy!) still surprises so many visitors, but once you get used to it, it actually feels nice. And yes, you're right to add, hands off the peaches at the marché!
Loved this article! Such a great topic — and so spot on.
I’ve actually got a piece in the pipeline about our own experiences in French shops… some of them were so absurd they felt straight out of a comedy sketch!
Thanks for sharing this, Pamela — really enjoyed the read.
I'm surprised. Surprised to read all these rules of politeness and etiquette about the French. I actually thought we weren’t particularly respectful of rules, and even less so of others. Maybe Parisians (from certain arrondissements, not all, thankfully!) have somewhat “worldly” standards. They do have a pretty bad reputation in the rest of France.
I’m French, born in Normandy (in the north of France), and for a few years now, I’ve been living in the south. Everywhere I’ve been, except in a few fancy parts of Paris, I can assure you:
- Eating a peach with your hands? That’s actually encouraged, and I’ve honestly never seen anyone eat a whole piece of fruit with cutlery. It’s very surprising, or very Parisian. But hey, why not.
- Correcting someone? That’s actually one of our specialties, especially when it comes to how someone expresses themselves or speaks. I don’t approve of it, I find it condescending, but on that point, we agree.
- Pizza? In the south, we have lots of little shops that sell it by the slice. You eat it with your hands, and we’re proud to wolf it down in public. I’ve never seen a particularly refined French person eating pizza (well, maybe in Paris).
- Hamburgers? Okay, I’ll give you that one. But there are two camps: those who eat them with a knife and fork, and those who use their hands. In a nice restaurant, yes, it’s more polite to use cutlery. But no one will bother you if you use your hands, unless you’re sitting at the table of a very, very upscale place.
- Fries? We eat them with a fork or with our fingers, usually by the handful. We dip them generously (a bit too generously, really) into mayo or ketchup. But to appear refined, or because the fries are thick, or simply because we’re kids, we’ll eat them one at a time using just a couple of fingers.
- Here are the foods traditionally eaten with your hands in France, without anyone blinking an eye: pain au chocolat, brioche and other pastries, bread, soft and hard cheeses, cured sausage, chicken legs, shrimp, whelks, seafood, apples, crêpes, kebabs, frog legs… and so on. Honestly, the list is long, so I’ll stop here.
- Step out of a village bar in the north or a bar in Marseille, and you’ll feel your eardrums ringing. People talk loudly, especially during football matches or when they’ve had one too many drinks, but that only happens in more casual, popular places.
- Thanks for the expression “Et ton caleçon, il est de quelle couleur?” I didn’t know that one, it's actually kind of funny and cute.
- We’re really strict about saying “bonjour.” There’s even a French rapper who wrote a song about it. One of the lyrics goes (I translate) : “He didn't say hello, fu** his mother.” Not exactly subtle! As for “Madame” or “Monsieur,” it’s not a must. It’s mostly older generations who say that, our sweet, well-mannered elders.
- From a young age, we’re taught to say thank you for everything, no matter what. Even if someone hands you a tissue. That’s definitely true.
- I recently hosted a dinner at home with some friends. My husband didn’t once offer to refill our guests’ wine. I was the one who did it. Patriarchy in France? Maïa Mazaurette would probably agree. I’ve often heard that Americans are much better at this (though that’s just hearsay).
- Oh yes, yes, and yes again! “You never serve only yourself.” You always serve others first, and you always offer. But sadly, that habit is fading.
- Having worked in restaurants, I can tell you: butter is not served with bread simply because if you eat it, you’ll be too full. And if you’re full, you won’t order dessert. That’s lost revenue. Especially since bread and butter are free.
- Cheese in restaurants? Yes! Always eaten with utensils, especially a knife. A fork is optional. Still, no one will be shocked if you eat cheese with your fingers. Unless it’s a really runny cheese, then it’s not exactly the most elegant sight.
- Hands on the table, not in your lap: my grandparents used to say that when I was little. But that’s changed a lot.
- Not talking to babies you don’t know? My husband totally agrees. I don’t. Women especially can speak to babies without fear of a disapproving look, and without needing social status or a certain age.
- Greeting the room in a waiting area? Yes, absolutely.
- Respect is fundamental? Really? For us French, is respect really that central? Bonjour, merci… and that’s about it.
- Interrupting others? That’s all we do, and honestly, it’s exhausting. People rarely listen until the end, most will cut you off mid-sentence. It’s draining. We only avoid interrupting when we’re trying hard to make a good impression, which isn’t that often.
I wish that one day, foreigners would stop reducing France to Parisians and their manners. Because the way Parisians behave, especially in certain arrondissements, doesn’t reflect how all French people behave. France is not Paris.
Thanks for your article!
Thank you, Manon. You’re right that so many of these habits vary depending on region, generation, and even arrondissement. This piece was written from the perspective of life on the Rive Gauche of Paris, which, as you know, has its own set of social codes.
France is, of course, much more than Paris but the stories I share here are real, and drawn from the life that I live here. I appreciate you taking the time to share your broader view. It’s a great reminder that “French culture” means many things, and that’s part of what makes it so fascinating.
Loved reading this, thankyou for sharing ✨
interesting.. the family I lived with as au pair many years ago adhered to ALL the rules you mentioned 😄
Many of these social “rules” are also true in Portugal. I was struck by the greeting to everyone in a doctor’s waiting room, for example, or a “get well, everyone,” when leaving. I love these small gestures of cultured finesse.
I love that, Emily, it’s so true. There’s such grace in those small communal gestures, especially in everyday places like waiting rooms. It’s lovely to see how many of these manners are shared across European cultures. I was actually raised by a Belgian mother who was also quite strict about rules, and sometimes felt absurdly formal for the US!
I’m taking two people who have never been to Paris next week. I’ve been trying to explain that the French are formal and polite. My biggest challenge is not interrupting. Paris is good practice for my interactions at home too!
I love that you’re bringing first-timers! They’re lucky to have you as a cultural translator. Resisting the urge to interrupt is such a valuable skill here (and honestly, everywhere). Paris as etiquette bootcamp… I’m stealing that line!
My wife and I have probably been to Paris 7 or 8 times now, the last being for a full month in 2023. We were excited on our first day there and stopped at Eric Kayser in the 6th for a sandwich that we were planning to take to Luxembourg Gardens. I knew the rule of greeting everyone with a 'bonjour' so, so, SO well, but somehow in my American efficiency mode, I managed to totally skip this courtesy. Trying to keep things moving along, I simply launched into my sandwich order. The gentleman behind the counter loudly interrupted me, never making eye contact, simply saying 'BONJOUR"! Mortified, I realized my faux pas. Starting over, I gave him my best French greetng (I'm not fluent, but probably considered intermediate). We moved on, but the remainder of the interaction was *really* cold on his part. The damage was done and it was a frustrating mistake on my part. Never forget this lesson!
So many people think the French are rude, but they really aren't. They have bad days like the rest of us. Looking back, I appreciate him not letting me get away with this.
Oh Richard, I feel that! That “BONJOUR” barked across the counter really does feel like a slap on the wrist, especially when you're still in an American efficiency mindset. I actually worked at a Starbucks in NYC (360 Lexington, I loved it!) and later in Paris as a student, and wow — the difference in pace is a whole other universe. In France, service is much more relaxed, almost ritualistic. So I completely understand wanting to grab your sandwich and go. But as you said, the French mindset is just different, for better or worse. Thank you for sharing this story, and bravo for circling back with your best bonjour. That’s truly what matters.
I learned the "never serve yourself without offering" rule in Taiwan, decades ago. My entire relationship with my college BFF's MIL was the two of us, with no languages in common, offering one another bites off the lazy susan of delicious dishes. RIP Mme. Chau, I miss you and your very sly twinkle in your eye.
Charlotte, what a moving story. That quiet, shared understanding across cultures is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this memory, and Mme. Chau sounds like someone I would have loved to meet.
Many of these things apply to Italy as well (although you will NEVER be served butter with bread - butter is for cooking and baking), but the speaking quietly thing really hit me when on a train in France: in Italy, people will raise their voices to be heard to the extent that everyone ends up outright yelling, and you can’t escape the TMI. Travelling on a crowded train in France I suddenly realised that while everyone was conversing, they were all talking quietly amongst themselves. No one adopted that very Italian habit of settling into their seat and phoning their every living relative to loudly update them on their bowel movements and thoughts on their colleagues for the entirety of the journey.
Louise, this gave me such a vivid image of that Italian train ride 😅 I love how clearly you drew the contrast. There really is something so discreet about the way people speak in France, even in crowded public spaces. That said, I’ve definitely been on a few regional trains where someone blasts music or forgets the platform exists for phone calls… so alas, not always perfect here either.
Thank you for this excellent article.
Saying "bonjour" and "au revoir" is just saying "I recognize your dignity", something we all need more of in today's society. It's part of Égalité and Fraternité. And you should look the person in the eye when you say it, if possible.
Two differences with your rules based on my experience:
1. the higher-end the restaurant, the more likely you are to be served butter with your bread. Often it may be a flavored butter, e.g., last night it was flavored with smoked hay.
2. The rule about speaking softly in restaurants seems not to be so much respected by younger French people (imitation of Americans?).
Thank you, Claude. I really appreciate your thoughtful perspective on bonjour as an act of dignity and recognition, it’s so true, and such a beautiful way of seeing it. And yes, younger generations do sometimes blur the line a bit when it comes to volume. Hopefully it softens with age!
And you’re absolutely right about the butter in higher-end restaurants. I was thinking more of your classic bistro setting.
Oh I love this. Great tips. I always try to practice my minimal French when I visit France. I don't like noisy restaurants and I wish more of them in Ireland would adopt the French etiquette
Thank you, Lucy! It really does make a difference when visitors try even a little French. French restaurants can be noisy too, but it’s more of a « brouhaha » or a gentle hum rather than actual shouting.
P.S. I’m hoping to visit Ireland soon with my family. We’ve been looking at taking a roadtrip to visit Cork and the Emerald Coast. It looks so beautiful, I can’t wait.
I love in North Kerry. Cork and Kerry are beautiful this time of the year. Keep an eye on the weather forecasts. We had beautiful warm weather in May. It's cooled down now but hopefully will improve later in month. I visited Paris last September and Normandy in July. Hope to go to Paris again later in summer. I love the city
I mean I live in North Kerry, and love it 😆
Oh, North Kerry must be magical this time of year! Thank you for the weather tip — fingers crossed we get a bit of that May warmth. And how lovely that you’re planning another Paris trip… maybe we’ll cross paths at a café one day!
Hi Pamela, I have been waiting for your newsletter since a day or two, watching for Friday afternoon to come! And boy was it worth it! I did not even realize there were so many rules until you point it out and I am like « but of course! »
I especially like the one in public places where it is expected to behave yourself, when your sharing too much or too loud or being too close to someone you don’t know there is a familiar French expression that says « on n’a pas gardé les cochons ensemble! » meaning we haven’t « looked after the pigs together »
And the sacred « bonjour madame ou bonjour monsieur » the only way to be treated correctly in a shop or in a restaurant or… well pretty much everywhere. Adding monsieur ou madame means that you are paying attention to the person and not just saying it out of habit
Have a wonderful weekend, thank you!
Thank you, Arnaud! I love that you picked up on “on n’a pas gardé les cochons ensemble”—such a classic expression that says so much about French boundaries in just a few words.
And yes to the sacred “bonjour madame/monsieur”! I think Americans often miss how much intentionality matters in those tiny rituals.
So glad this one resonated. You’re officially my favorite commenter this week 😉
“all interruptions are considered impolite”. France may be my country! In Italy many people interrupt every 10 seconds or never stop talking so you must end it, in a way or another.
Haha, sounds like France might be a good fit then! Interrupting is definitely frowned upon here in most circumstances.
Hi Pamela! It’s one of the worst habits of sociality, so hard to put up with.
I feel a bit slovenly reading this, but I must also complain that common courtesy seems to have taken a nosedive in the US over the last few decades, and that's saying something.
People don't seem to knock before entering single-occupancy restrooms, bring Bluetooth speakers to places which should be serene, and demonstrate myriad other forms of not giving a crap about the contentment of others.
It's as if the rule in America is, "If you can annoy others more than they can annoy you, you win!"
George, I hear you! France is definitely far from perfect, and I’ve noticed these lapses in courtesy here too. They tend to pop up more in certain places (like trains, the metro, or certain neighborhoods). I guess every country has its own flavor of social weirdness these days. Here’s hoping we can still carve out those small pockets of courtesy and kindness, wherever we are. My mom used to tell us, “ta liberté s’arrête là où commence celle des autres”—your freedom ends where the next person’s begins—and I still think it’s such a simple rule to live by. I just wish more people would embrace it.
I think America is embracing that sentiment right now, but in more of a, "The best defense is a good offense," kind of way. ;_;
It’s true, so much of the conversation around “freedom” in the US right now feels combative. It’s a tough time, and it seems all we can do is hope more people chose a different path. Here’s hoping we find our way back to more mutual respect and understanding.
Literally had to stop reading halfway through because I’m in the middle of writing a list of French rules and don’t want to copy 😬 Will finish and then laugh at how many we have in common. Didn’t know not to talk to babies I don’t know; oops, I’ve done that a lot.
Haha, I can’t wait to read yours! I’m sure we’ll have so many in common—there really are endless little rules here. As for the baby one, I think it’s less about not talking to babies and more about not crossing personal space boundaries (which feel especially sacred in public here?). We might need to keep digging on that one…
I would struggle mightily. I grew up in a very hick American area, in a very large and loud and boisterous family. We did have manners, “please, thank you, good morning…” We did not have the time for dining leisure…chores had to be done before getting out the door for school or work (I first worked for pay at 12 years old). I have since worked to be a little more “refined” about eating, but the old habits still come up a little.
Thank you for sharing this, Robert! I think what truly matters is being able to stay true to yourself, whether that’s enjoying a lively family meal or embracing a slower, more “refined” approach. Those early habits and memories shape us, and I’m convinced they set the tone for our preferences as adults.
Thank you for this nice résumé. I know correction feels impolite, Thank you for this nice résumé. I know correction feels impolite, but just so you know, "fruits à coque" are nuts, not stone fruit. La coque is the nutshell. Stone fruit is "fruits à noyau." Also, you can eat artichoke leaves and cold asparagus (spears, not tips alone) with your fingers!
And finally, an anecdote: decades ago, before the arrival of cell phones, I was in a small, quiet café with a pay phone on the wall in the back, as was the custom. A man walked in, removed his hat and gravely said, "Bonjour, messieurs-dames" to the room. He walked to the payphone, placed a call, and proceeded to loudly curse someone out, evidently a woman ("Connasse! Salope!"). Then he hung up and left, not without first saying, "Au revoir, messieurs-dames."
Tom, you’re absolutely right! Fruits à noyau, not fruits à coque. Thank you for pointing that out!
And yes, so many foods in France are happily eaten with the hands. The examples I used were more symbolic than exhaustive, a nod to the jambon-beurre and croissant if you will.
And your anecdote! It’s incredible and sounds like a perfectly framed scene from a French film.
Always google the etiquette of the place you’re visiting. The greeting thing is the same in Italy. And don’t touch the produce in the street markets. Learn a few words of the language. Helps immensely. Hello, goodbye, please, thank you, can you please help me? What is the cost?
Absolutely, Jean! Such good advice. A little etiquette goes a long way, and learning even just a few words of the language really does change the way people respond to you. The greeting thing in France (and Italy!) still surprises so many visitors, but once you get used to it, it actually feels nice. And yes, you're right to add, hands off the peaches at the marché!
Loved this article! Such a great topic — and so spot on.
I’ve actually got a piece in the pipeline about our own experiences in French shops… some of them were so absurd they felt straight out of a comedy sketch!
Thanks for sharing this, Pamela — really enjoyed the read.
Merci Pierre! So glad it resonated. I’ll be keeping an eye out for your piece on experiences in French shops!