I had 5 children, all boys, who are grown now. From the moment we were married, my husband and I made the decision to live on his salary alone, specifically because I never wanted my children to reach for another woman when they were tired, hungry, or sad. It is a decision that I will never regret, and when they were older, I resumed my career. Yes, I made far less money than my counterpart who elected to keep working. I neither envy them, nor look at them with contempt. They made their choices and I made mine. The problem with today’s society is that we think that our choices should have no consequences. In other words, when you cut your hair, you can no longer wear it in a braid. When I opted to have children, and a large family at that, I opted to sacrifice my career and my earnings in the process. It’s a choice, it has consequences.
My best friends from college opted to be single and child free, she has had a fulfilling career and has traveled the world. I don’t know if she regrets not having children, but again, she made choices and there were consequences.
Fran, your words truly moved me—thank you for sharing such grounded, generous wisdom. It’s incredibly reassuring to hear this kind of perspective in a time when so many of us quietly wonder if we’re doing enough. I imagine every generation of mothers faces its own version of hard, and your reminder to slow down, focus on what matters, and protect our joy really landed with me. I’m so grateful for your voice in this conversation.
Thank you so much for this generous and thoughtful comment, Fran. What a beautiful thing—to be able to raise your children wholeheartedly, with no doubt about the choice you made. It’s inspiring to hear how clearly you and your husband aligned on that path. My husband and I both come from dual income families, and ours has been built that way too—which doesn’t mean I fully understood the challenges. It’s not something that’s been openly talked about much in my immediate circle, so hearing your experience shared so honestly really broadens the conversation.
And wow—congratulations on raising five boys! I’m only recently a mom of three, and even that feels like a lot some days. Your story is both grounding and encouraging—thank you again for taking the time to share it.
I think that the world is so much harder on women today than it was 30 years ago, when I had my first child. In a world without social media, I had nothing to compare my life to, I was not assailed with self-doubt as to whether or not we were doing the right thing, fueled by mommy influencers and non stop marketing to my insecurities. For young women raising kids today, if I can offer some grandmotherly advice, I would say… enjoy being with your kids, taking them to the park, making them sandwiches, listening to their stories when they come home from school, read them the books that you read when you were young, go to church on Sundays and teach them there is something greater than themselves, play music, play games, and don’t worry about anything that comes from the Internet, anything that makes you dissatisfied with your life, live a life of grateful joy, it is worth every penny that you don’t earn at work.
Wouldn’t that be something! It would be amazing for women to truly have that choice—whether to return, pause, or pivot—without societal or financial pressure.
I'm a mother of three and resonate with this. I owned a yoga studio when I was pregnant with my first, and thought I'd return very quickly. Turns out, I had nerve damage after birth and couldn't walk well for months postpartum. After my second, we were living in a new state and I had a consultancy. I came back slowly at 3 months, but childcare issues helped me make the choice to stay home for a year. Now, with my third...I feel totally consumed by motherhood most days. I write and sacrifice sleep to do it at naps and after bedtime. It has been so important for me to keep writing. What has been evident, though, is that I want to be home more often than not and that with each baby I've learned to slow down more and more...to reflect on what ambition really means to me. And that's been such a gift. With that, I'm attempting to not figure out what's next in terms of paid work and allow it to arrive.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Leanne. So much of your experience resonates for me too. Learning to let go a little more with each child and figuring out what the future looks like in terms of paid work. It’s all at once beautiful, raw and scary. Sending you lots of love as you navigate this special time.
I think the “you can have it all narrative” has been really damaging to women. I have two children and both were born in the UK where, thankfully, I was able to take a year of maternity leave with each. I had a good maternity package with my part time job, but after six months with both I took on freelance work to fill the gap as the maternity pay diminished.
What has made it difficult for women js the continued increase in prices. Most households have two salaries now, but that doesn’t mean we have more money, it means that prices have risen to match. While my parent’s generation could happily live on one salary to pay their mortgage and living expenses, this day and age that becomes increasingly difficult. I would have loved to stay home with my kids, but it would have been impossible unless we moved away from family support and my husband’s job.
The having it all narrative was pitched as freedom for women, but really it took away the choice to just be a mother. Now we’re expected to work, bring up children, keep a perfect home and be a good partner and friend all the same 24hrs a day.
Sadly I think it’s going to be a hard narrative to change. We’ll continue to be expected and obligated to take on the mental load and juggle of being both mum and career women, unable to give 100 per cent to either. For most families it isn’t even a choice it’s a necessity, one income cannot afford modern day life for most couples - even if you’re careful and watch every penny.
My children were five and seven when we moved to France so I don’t have experience of maternity leave here. But most French women seem to be juggling just the same. I think it’s a bit heartbreaking to be honest that most women are stretched so thin and are unable to choose the life they want for their families. True feminism would be that women could choose the life they wanted, career, motherhood or a balance of both without judgement or being penalised financially. But I can’t see how it happens.,
Rebecca, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. So much to reflect on here.
I completely agree—the promise of “having it all” has, in many ways, stripped away real choice. True feminism would mean being free to choose without judgment or financial pressure.
As you put so clearly, for most families today, that choice doesn’t really exist. One income just isn’t enough—and that reality often gets left out of the conversation.
What a gorgeously honest en relatable piece you've written. I have two boys and have been self employed with both. With the first one I had more in savings and took the first year veeeeery easy. And then the pandemic hit and a lot of my work fell away. And I realised more and more that I don't really like the insecurity of being self employed anymore. But I still am, 5 years later. Because the alternative of being away from my kids much more doesn't appeal to me at alllll. Now I have a 7 month old and I am working during naps and in the evenings and we're just starting with a few mornings of childcare but every cell in my body protests. I don't want to work. I want to be with my babies. 🫠
Oh I feel this so deeply. That tug between wanting to be fully present with your babies and the reality of needing—or trying—to work is so real. I’m in the thick of it too, and every bit of resistance you describe resonates. Thank you for putting words to it with such honesty. You’re not alone. 💛
I'm about to have my eighth in the United States. For each baby, I've had varying lengths of leave -- the longest was 4 months and the shortest was one week. This maternity leave will be a mix of about 2-3 weeks of "full leave" i.e. no meetings or answering emails, and working from home. Our circumstances have necessitated that I return to work after each baby though I would have much preferred to stay home, unfortunately our financial situation did not allow for this. Maybe someday. I did recently give up a more "prestigious" job with manager responsibilities for a "lower" position that allows for increased flexibility (and a role I enjoy more) which does allow for more time with my children. I really like what Fran said about consequences. The decision itself for the individual mama is neutral. We can only commit to the choice with the information that we have at the time of the choice, but the great thing about choices is we have an endless supply.
Wow, Rosie—first of all, congratulations on your eighth baby. That’s truly incredible.
You sound so strong and grounded in your choices, even when they weren’t easy. I really admire how you stood your ground for more flexibility at work, even if it meant letting go of the so-called prestige.
I also loved what you said about choices—that we make the best one we can with the information we have, and that there’s always another ahead. Such a hopeful and empowering reminder.
in US and i came back at 4 months full time, after 2 years i got to realize how unhappy i'm making everyone so i'm going to quit next year and stay at home
Anna, it’s incredibly brave of you to recognize what isn’t working and make a change. Wishing you all the best as you transition into this new chapter!
In today’s Netherlands newspaper NRC Handelsblad there was a whole article about a book on this subject. How difficult it is to get back to work after childbirth. The author had 5 children and the fifth was as difficult as the first, but each time was different.
She also inventorized research and no surprise, it hasn’t been researched much. Most women said they needed between one and two years to feel “normal” or just themselves again. And the Netherlands has pretty good natal and mothers’ care.
Women and society need to realize and accept that motherhood and childbirth are heavy work that you can’t do on the side. Women do not need to be tradwives, but we do not to be clear about it being a lot of hard work, building a new person and raising them to be healthy and balanced individuals. Fathers need to step up.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Agatha. That article sounds very validating, and I completely agree: we often underestimate what a long road the return to work can be. The idea that each birth is different rings so true. Each child enters our life at a slightly different moment, which makes the experience unique every time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share this. If the book title comes back to you, I’d love to read it.
I'm about to have my second baby in France - love the subsidised childcare, don't love the short maternity leave. Both times I have/will extend it and do a couple of months unpaid. Finding the right balance is so tricky! I sometimes find it hard to believe that women are not supported more through pregnancy and postpartum - and we are quite well supported here, compared to other places. But definitely the sense of community/the village is lacking.
Congrats and wishing you all the best for baby number two, Amy! Totally agree—it’s such a patchwork system. We’re lucky in many ways, but the short leave and lack of community support still leave so much to be desired. “The village is lacking” really hits home.
Thanks for sharing your perspective and story. Great lessons learned here. Balance isn’t easy, especially walking the tightrope between tradeoffs, opportunities, and family connection.
Thank you so much, Pamela. You put it beautifully—“walking the tightrope” really captures it. It’s comforting to know others are navigating these same tradeoffs with such intention and heart.
Hi Amber! I just updated the post with full credit in both the email body and directly on the cover image. I'm such a fan of yours and would never want to use a photo without proper credit. Thank you so much for the gentle nudge, and I’m really honored you even saw the post. 🥰
Thank you so much, Amber. Of course, I should have credited you right away. I wasn’t completely sure it was your photo since I found it on Pinterest, where so many of your images still live and inspire.
You and your beautiful family have been such an inspiration to me over the years. I’ve missed seeing you on Instagram. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy the piece.
I had 5 children, all boys, who are grown now. From the moment we were married, my husband and I made the decision to live on his salary alone, specifically because I never wanted my children to reach for another woman when they were tired, hungry, or sad. It is a decision that I will never regret, and when they were older, I resumed my career. Yes, I made far less money than my counterpart who elected to keep working. I neither envy them, nor look at them with contempt. They made their choices and I made mine. The problem with today’s society is that we think that our choices should have no consequences. In other words, when you cut your hair, you can no longer wear it in a braid. When I opted to have children, and a large family at that, I opted to sacrifice my career and my earnings in the process. It’s a choice, it has consequences.
My best friends from college opted to be single and child free, she has had a fulfilling career and has traveled the world. I don’t know if she regrets not having children, but again, she made choices and there were consequences.
Fran, your words truly moved me—thank you for sharing such grounded, generous wisdom. It’s incredibly reassuring to hear this kind of perspective in a time when so many of us quietly wonder if we’re doing enough. I imagine every generation of mothers faces its own version of hard, and your reminder to slow down, focus on what matters, and protect our joy really landed with me. I’m so grateful for your voice in this conversation.
Thank you so much for this generous and thoughtful comment, Fran. What a beautiful thing—to be able to raise your children wholeheartedly, with no doubt about the choice you made. It’s inspiring to hear how clearly you and your husband aligned on that path. My husband and I both come from dual income families, and ours has been built that way too—which doesn’t mean I fully understood the challenges. It’s not something that’s been openly talked about much in my immediate circle, so hearing your experience shared so honestly really broadens the conversation.
And wow—congratulations on raising five boys! I’m only recently a mom of three, and even that feels like a lot some days. Your story is both grounding and encouraging—thank you again for taking the time to share it.
I think that the world is so much harder on women today than it was 30 years ago, when I had my first child. In a world without social media, I had nothing to compare my life to, I was not assailed with self-doubt as to whether or not we were doing the right thing, fueled by mommy influencers and non stop marketing to my insecurities. For young women raising kids today, if I can offer some grandmotherly advice, I would say… enjoy being with your kids, taking them to the park, making them sandwiches, listening to their stories when they come home from school, read them the books that you read when you were young, go to church on Sundays and teach them there is something greater than themselves, play music, play games, and don’t worry about anything that comes from the Internet, anything that makes you dissatisfied with your life, live a life of grateful joy, it is worth every penny that you don’t earn at work.
Maternity leave should be permanent.
Wouldn’t that be something! It would be amazing for women to truly have that choice—whether to return, pause, or pivot—without societal or financial pressure.
I'm a mother of three and resonate with this. I owned a yoga studio when I was pregnant with my first, and thought I'd return very quickly. Turns out, I had nerve damage after birth and couldn't walk well for months postpartum. After my second, we were living in a new state and I had a consultancy. I came back slowly at 3 months, but childcare issues helped me make the choice to stay home for a year. Now, with my third...I feel totally consumed by motherhood most days. I write and sacrifice sleep to do it at naps and after bedtime. It has been so important for me to keep writing. What has been evident, though, is that I want to be home more often than not and that with each baby I've learned to slow down more and more...to reflect on what ambition really means to me. And that's been such a gift. With that, I'm attempting to not figure out what's next in terms of paid work and allow it to arrive.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Leanne. So much of your experience resonates for me too. Learning to let go a little more with each child and figuring out what the future looks like in terms of paid work. It’s all at once beautiful, raw and scary. Sending you lots of love as you navigate this special time.
I think the “you can have it all narrative” has been really damaging to women. I have two children and both were born in the UK where, thankfully, I was able to take a year of maternity leave with each. I had a good maternity package with my part time job, but after six months with both I took on freelance work to fill the gap as the maternity pay diminished.
What has made it difficult for women js the continued increase in prices. Most households have two salaries now, but that doesn’t mean we have more money, it means that prices have risen to match. While my parent’s generation could happily live on one salary to pay their mortgage and living expenses, this day and age that becomes increasingly difficult. I would have loved to stay home with my kids, but it would have been impossible unless we moved away from family support and my husband’s job.
The having it all narrative was pitched as freedom for women, but really it took away the choice to just be a mother. Now we’re expected to work, bring up children, keep a perfect home and be a good partner and friend all the same 24hrs a day.
Sadly I think it’s going to be a hard narrative to change. We’ll continue to be expected and obligated to take on the mental load and juggle of being both mum and career women, unable to give 100 per cent to either. For most families it isn’t even a choice it’s a necessity, one income cannot afford modern day life for most couples - even if you’re careful and watch every penny.
My children were five and seven when we moved to France so I don’t have experience of maternity leave here. But most French women seem to be juggling just the same. I think it’s a bit heartbreaking to be honest that most women are stretched so thin and are unable to choose the life they want for their families. True feminism would be that women could choose the life they wanted, career, motherhood or a balance of both without judgement or being penalised financially. But I can’t see how it happens.,
Rebecca, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. So much to reflect on here.
I completely agree—the promise of “having it all” has, in many ways, stripped away real choice. True feminism would mean being free to choose without judgment or financial pressure.
As you put so clearly, for most families today, that choice doesn’t really exist. One income just isn’t enough—and that reality often gets left out of the conversation.
Thank you again for sharing this so honestly.
Correction, “But we need to be clear about……”
What a gorgeously honest en relatable piece you've written. I have two boys and have been self employed with both. With the first one I had more in savings and took the first year veeeeery easy. And then the pandemic hit and a lot of my work fell away. And I realised more and more that I don't really like the insecurity of being self employed anymore. But I still am, 5 years later. Because the alternative of being away from my kids much more doesn't appeal to me at alllll. Now I have a 7 month old and I am working during naps and in the evenings and we're just starting with a few mornings of childcare but every cell in my body protests. I don't want to work. I want to be with my babies. 🫠
Oh I feel this so deeply. That tug between wanting to be fully present with your babies and the reality of needing—or trying—to work is so real. I’m in the thick of it too, and every bit of resistance you describe resonates. Thank you for putting words to it with such honesty. You’re not alone. 💛
I'm about to have my eighth in the United States. For each baby, I've had varying lengths of leave -- the longest was 4 months and the shortest was one week. This maternity leave will be a mix of about 2-3 weeks of "full leave" i.e. no meetings or answering emails, and working from home. Our circumstances have necessitated that I return to work after each baby though I would have much preferred to stay home, unfortunately our financial situation did not allow for this. Maybe someday. I did recently give up a more "prestigious" job with manager responsibilities for a "lower" position that allows for increased flexibility (and a role I enjoy more) which does allow for more time with my children. I really like what Fran said about consequences. The decision itself for the individual mama is neutral. We can only commit to the choice with the information that we have at the time of the choice, but the great thing about choices is we have an endless supply.
Wow, Rosie—first of all, congratulations on your eighth baby. That’s truly incredible.
You sound so strong and grounded in your choices, even when they weren’t easy. I really admire how you stood your ground for more flexibility at work, even if it meant letting go of the so-called prestige.
I also loved what you said about choices—that we make the best one we can with the information we have, and that there’s always another ahead. Such a hopeful and empowering reminder.
Wishing you a peaceful, supported birth.
Thank you!
in US and i came back at 4 months full time, after 2 years i got to realize how unhappy i'm making everyone so i'm going to quit next year and stay at home
Anna, it’s incredibly brave of you to recognize what isn’t working and make a change. Wishing you all the best as you transition into this new chapter!
In today’s Netherlands newspaper NRC Handelsblad there was a whole article about a book on this subject. How difficult it is to get back to work after childbirth. The author had 5 children and the fifth was as difficult as the first, but each time was different.
She also inventorized research and no surprise, it hasn’t been researched much. Most women said they needed between one and two years to feel “normal” or just themselves again. And the Netherlands has pretty good natal and mothers’ care.
Women and society need to realize and accept that motherhood and childbirth are heavy work that you can’t do on the side. Women do not need to be tradwives, but we do not to be clear about it being a lot of hard work, building a new person and raising them to be healthy and balanced individuals. Fathers need to step up.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Agatha. That article sounds very validating, and I completely agree: we often underestimate what a long road the return to work can be. The idea that each birth is different rings so true. Each child enters our life at a slightly different moment, which makes the experience unique every time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share this. If the book title comes back to you, I’d love to read it.
I'm about to have my second baby in France - love the subsidised childcare, don't love the short maternity leave. Both times I have/will extend it and do a couple of months unpaid. Finding the right balance is so tricky! I sometimes find it hard to believe that women are not supported more through pregnancy and postpartum - and we are quite well supported here, compared to other places. But definitely the sense of community/the village is lacking.
Congrats and wishing you all the best for baby number two, Amy! Totally agree—it’s such a patchwork system. We’re lucky in many ways, but the short leave and lack of community support still leave so much to be desired. “The village is lacking” really hits home.
Thanks for sharing your perspective and story. Great lessons learned here. Balance isn’t easy, especially walking the tightrope between tradeoffs, opportunities, and family connection.
Thank you so much, Pamela. You put it beautifully—“walking the tightrope” really captures it. It’s comforting to know others are navigating these same tradeoffs with such intention and heart.
Hi Amber! I just updated the post with full credit in both the email body and directly on the cover image. I'm such a fan of yours and would never want to use a photo without proper credit. Thank you so much for the gentle nudge, and I’m really honored you even saw the post. 🥰
Thank you so much, Amber. Of course, I should have credited you right away. I wasn’t completely sure it was your photo since I found it on Pinterest, where so many of your images still live and inspire.
You and your beautiful family have been such an inspiration to me over the years. I’ve missed seeing you on Instagram. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy the piece.