I moved to France right out of college and stayed, so my entire working life was in France (I'm now retired). The company where I spent most of my career was an international behemoth, and we worked closely with American and Canadian colleagues, with many taking the opportunity to relocate at least for a while to Paris. Off-the-boat Americans frequently inspired both irritation and amusement with their incessant self-promotion and anxious eagerness to eat lunch at their desk, work overtime and weekends, proudly speak corporate gobbledy-gook, and strive to be *positive*.
All this was seen as insincere and egotistical. They in turn saw the French as cynical slackers. Didn't they want to *get ahead*?
But a funny thing happened. Many Americans underwent a sea change. They learned it was OK to take your full hour for lunch, in the canteen or a local bistro, talking about anything but work; that you would be hassled by HR if you *didn't* take your full five weeks of annual paid holiday, because the company is forbidden by law to have you work those days; that you could stay home if you were sick without having to tot up an arbitrary number of allotted sick days. They learned that workers have rights that can be enforced. They gradually dropped the go-go, personal-brand bullshit (pardon my French). They relaxed into a society where it's easier to just be yourself.
Thank you so much, Tom! What a fascinating perspective, and so well put! I especially loved your observation about the “go-go, personal-brand bullshit” falling away over time. So funny and true!I’m always interested in how people who move here end up absorbing the French approach, even if they didn’t set out to. Relaxing into a society where it’s easier to just be yourself… beautifully said. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom!
I'm an American working for a French company in Massachusetts. However, my "arm" of the company is its own company reporting to the French CEOs. We get 5 weeks paid vacation (but we still only get 5 sick days a year), and when people from the French team come to visit/work, we often have group lunches that last an hour or more. We often talk about things other than work during those lunches, but our French colleagues have come to understand that in the US, it's inevitable that work will come up during that hour.
In my last annual review, I mentioned to our Global Sales Director (in France), that I had worked for the company for 5 years, and while my role has evolved greatly in that time, my title had not. We knew the French executives didn't care about titles, but my Operations Manager and I explained that in the US, if you've worked for a company for so many years and didn't get a promotion, people started to wonder what was wrong. In the end, they gave me a title change to reflect my current role and a small raise.
I do admit, though, that I envy the slower pace of our French colleagues. They seem to have a richer, fuller life outside of work than we do in the US. It doesn't hurt that they can easily visit several other countries for a weekend jaunt, whereas that's not the case in the US, unless you're on the border with Canada or Mexico (though maybe not the case in our current political climate).
My team is going to France later this year to meet up with our colleagues from France, Germany, Shanghai and Tokyo for a non-work-related gathering. It's nice to see all our colleagues in a different setting, relaxing.
I think the French understand ENOUGH--having done enough, having enough money, enough plans for the weekend or lifetime, etc. while Americans struggle with that.
Yes, beautifully put. I’ve really come to admire that sense of enough in French culture. In the U.S., there’s this pull toward more, better, bigger… the American dream! But enough can feel like a relief.
Katrina, thank you so much for sharing this, it’s such a rich perspective. I find it fascinating how cultural expectations around work—titles, pace, even lunch—play out so differently, even within the same company.
I love that your team advocated for a title change with cultural context in mind, that really says it all. And I completely relate to what you said about envying the pace of life outside of work in France. That sense of fullness isn’t just about long vacations, it’s the little things, like lingering over lunch or taking weekends seriously.
Your upcoming gathering sounds lovely. I hope it’s full of laughter, connection, and very little shop talk!
True, though I think most historians agree that the issue wasn’t just about working harder on the Maginot Line — it was a broader failure in military strategy and underestimating new forms of warfare. The German bypass through Belgium made fixed fortifications largely irrelevant. Always a fascinating (and sobering) example of preparing for the last war rather than the next one.
And it doesn’t let up when you retire. Every article about getting older seems to say that having a purpose is necessary or you will slide into depression and dementia. I had a career with purpose for 40 years. Can’t I just relax now?
Donna, yes! It’s such a strange pressure, isn’t it? As if rest or simple enjoyment isn’t “enough” after clocking decades of meaningful work. The French way of letting life be, without forcing it to feel purposeful at every turn, is something I’ve found so grounding. Of course, you’ve earned the right to just enjoy life, without explanation!
Yes! Same here. 40 years of working too hard and too committed, and now when I answer questions about what I do, where I work, "I enjoy life", "I do nothing", I encounter looks full of pity and a certain superiority. What’s your goal? I answer „My main goal is having no goal. Dolce far niente is my second name”
I love this so much. “Dolce far niente is my second name” needs to be on a T-shirt. It takes real courage to step off the hamster wheel, and even more to stay off it when people look at you sideways.
I find this pressure too. But I also don’t want to fall into a trap of only meeting my needs. I want to continue being of service to community but a with a little less drive and pressure.
I completely agree. Being of service to your community is such a beautiful intention. Maybe you could find smaller, more human-scale ways to do that outside of work. Volunteering at a local library or neighborhood group, or just building relationships that feel rooted in connection rather than output. Purpose without pressure. 💛
I’ve struggled with my purpose since I retired, especially as with health issues I can’t commit to volunteering and I did a lot earlier in my life. My children are now grown and I’m going to relax and let my purpose be to enjoy life, just like you talk about in your very interesting post. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this, Angela. I really feel your words. Maybe this slower season is your full permission to rest and simply enjoy this season. That in itself can be a beautiful kind of purpose. I’m so touched this piece resonated with you 💛
Pamela, Pola and I were joking about printing a T-shirt that says “Dolce far niente is my second name.” in the comments below. Maybe that’s the perfect answer when people ask what you’ll do without work. You get to live and enjoy it, hopefully without anyone guilt-tripping you for it.
Stacia, thank you for the work you’ve done over all those years, that’s an extraordinary gift to so many. Wishing you deep rest, joy, and the gentlest days ahead. You’ve earned them.
I love your article! Somehow, I grew up in NYC, one of the most ambitious cities in the world, but I never really wanted to BE anything. No, I am 20 years into my career as a community college English professor. While I love it, it still feels like work rather than purpose. Granted, it is very meaningful work! But I feel most attuned with my life‘s purpose working in my garden or walking or spending time with friends and family. Thank you for your affirming perspective!
Susanna, thank you for this beautiful reflection. I really felt what you said about meaningful work still feeling like work, and how purpose can live just as fully in a walk or a garden. Your words are such a gentle reminder that “being” doesn’t have to be earned. I’m so glad the piece resonated 💛
I really enjoyed your post! Reminds me of when I was in nursing school (later 40’s to 51) I used to tell my fellow students that RN stood for ‘RETIRED NURSE’ and they would get so angry and say they couldn’t understand how I could be going to school and then I wasn’t even going to work! I would just laugh. I did get my RN and I worked for about 15 years and because my husband retired several years before, I decided to retire. It was the best thing I did. Now I fill my life with things I enjoy doing with and without my husband. I read, watch tv, go to movies, watch my special needs granddaughter, walk at the mall, take trips & cruises with my husband or without, visit my other adult kids, extended family. You get the picture, I hope! I am loving my life now!!!
Hahaha, trust a Brit to distill life’s purpose into “a wooden box” with such perfectly dry precision 😅 But yes, what a reminder to slow down and enjoy the ride. Thanks for this!
What a beautifully human meditation on presence over performance.
There’s something deeply subversive - in the best way - about letting the value of a life be measured in meals shared, books half-read, and weekends without ambition. The French art of être rather than devenir reminds us that maybe meaning isn’t a pursuit. Maybe it’s what quietly accumulates in the margins - while we’re busy being with the people we love, cooking a better risotto, or choosing not to check email after 6pm.
Purpose doesn’t need to be stated to be lived. Sometimes, the most intentional lives are the ones with no LinkedIn headline at all.
Loved this post! Very similar here in Spain, I wrote a post about it awhile back, but essentially work (and purpose) rarely come up in conversations here. I have friends I’ve had for years that I still don’t actually know what they do, one of my best friends included 😅 I find this lends to a levity in the typical social interactions here that I’ve really come to value.
Yes, maybe it’s a Latin thing? I totally agree that when the career aspect of social life is set aside, you’re free to dive into more meaningful conversations. In French, we call those conversations « refaire le monde », literally, to redo the world and I love that.
In Germany I also saw this exact mindset there, it’s really hard to let go of it when you are surrounded by this - I would call it Protestant work ethic. It’s almost a sin to not have something “useful” to do.
So true, Protestant work ethic really runs deep in certain cultures. Just being can feel like a luxury or even a transgression when everyone around you is chasing productivity. I imagine Germany and the U.S. have a lot in common there. It’s not always easy to unlearn, but I find the French approach helps soften that pressure, at least a little.
Ah, Pamela…this reads like silk draped over a hard truth. I grew up on the American side of that fork in the road, where purpose is a battle cry and burnout is mistaken for passion.
But France… France taught me that living well is a form of ambition. That curiosity can count. That a Tuesday night painting class might be a more radical act of self-definition than any resume bullet.
Here’s where I’m rooting into this slower, richer kind of purpose:
Rooted · The Benthalls
Or as they might say at a wedding toast near the Loire…à la vôtre, hustle culture.
I’ve been mesmerized by French culture ever since I started studying the language in middle school. I’ve also been fortunate to make one very dear friend from France, while I was in college and she was studying abroad, that I’ve had the immense pleasure of visiting a couple of times. I went to her wedding in 2023 and had the absolute best time you could have at a wedding where you knew less than a handful of people. Everyone was SO much fun to talk to and not a SINGLE person asked me what I did for work, which we all know is the first thing an American will ask you when scrambling to make polite conversation. Everyone wanted to talk to me about culture and art and life. And - even better than the talking - we danced from the evening until sunrise to ABBA, Incubus, Jackson 5, New Order, and more. All ages were on the dance floor and having a ball! I slept for three hours, woke up, had a cappuccino and a pain au chocolat while laying under an olive tree and begged god to please let me be French in my next lifetime. 😂 Since then, I read the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron which immediately became an all time favorite. While reading her advice to spend weekends getting in touch with your inner artist, delight your inner child with fun hobbies, and envision a more artistic life for yourself, it all felt deeply familiar to me of how the French live their lives. We live to eat, to create art, to consume art, and we work simply to afford all three.
Mary Beth, this is absolutely lovely—thank you for sharing it. I actually wrote a piece specifically about weddings in France, but now I’m thinking I really need to do a follow-up just to honor the musical traditions you described! There’s usually a pretty regimented order to the music at French weddings, and I find it fascinating. And you’re the second person to mention The Artist’s Way to me lately… I think this is my sign to finally read it.
I didn’t know that, how fascinating!! And yes, you will absolutely fall in love with that book. Be prepared though, it requires 12 weeks of dedication to certain writing and tasks but the juice is worth the squeeze! I did it last summer (exactly one year ago) when I was working a job that was draining me and completely flipped my life around in 12 months. A new job, 9 months of being back in school, a published magazine article, a song release, and a substack birthed later, I’m convinced she changed my artistic trajectory!
Wow, Mary Beth, what an incredible testament to the book and to your own creative courage. I love hearing how The Artist’s Way set so much in motion for you. That’s truly inspiring (and, honestly, makes me want to dive in right away, 12-week commitment and all!). Congratulations on everything you’ve created this year!
Oh wow, this resonated with me so much!!! Us North American millennials were taught as kids to "find our passion" and I think that has put undue pressure on us to always be STRIVING. I still feel self-conscious about working less these days in Toronto, and like our culture only appreciates activities/ventures when they make money.
Thank you for sharing this, Jean! I completely relate to what you’re saying. And yes, there’s definitely some of that pressure in France too, but it does feel a bit gentler here.
I really appreciate you sharing your piece. It’s so thoughtful and resonant.
I am from Canada and moved to Australia when I was 21. I lived there for a good 8 years and it profoundly changed my relationship to work and my definition of “purpose”. I don’t think this applies to the whole country, but I lived mostly by the ocean, except for couple of years in Melbourne so my experience was also shaped by the environment.
I found it confronting at first: uni didn’t matter? It was just a tool to a means. People had no clear career goals? I judged people around me as being purposeless, just drifting. I just didn’t know how to relate to it all.
I eventually got curious instead of defensive and realised that their ambition was something entirely different than the ideas that had raised me up to then. They cared about weekend plans, being able to take a morning off when the waves were great, the ambition was to build a full life outside of work, and work was a way to attain them, not the goal itself. This perspective has changed me and I will carry it with me forever.
Fast forward to now, and I live in the US. The culture difference around work is crushing. My husband and I are trying to find our footing, figure out how to navigate this idea of what work is and means amongst building and raising our family, and it really feels like going against the current. We’re running after our tails and it never seems like it’s enough. People take pride in working 4 jobs and every weekend - they have to or they’ll never catch a break it seems.
My husband and I often discuss the many ways we could build our own business, one that honours the work values we hold dear and truly miss. It’s just soooo far away from what the US seems to be all about.
The shift has to start somewhere at some point.
Your writing shows that it EXISTS! It’s a reminder we’re more than workers. It’s a reminder to live a full life, as hard as our environment makes it.
The change needs to happen from within first I think. We need to know there are other ways to work and live. I hold on to my Australian experience as a knowing that things can and should be different and it’s enough to keep us swimming against current for now.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Gabry, what a journey. I loved reading how Australia reshaped your definition of ambition and purpose. That idea of building a full life outside of work really is what it’s about.
And I so hear you on the culture shock of the U.S., that crushing pace, the pride in exhaustion, the feeling that rest is a luxury no one can afford. It’s hard to hold on to a different vision when everything around you pushes the opposite.
But I completely agree, the shift starts within. Just knowing another way exists can be enough to keep going, even if the environment doesn’t reflect it yet. Thank you for this thoughtful and generous comment. I’m rooting for you both. 💛
very true (a French talking), for us it's kind of unpolite to say what you do and very unpolite how much you make. and as people are very jealous they'll hate you just because you make more money than they do. True wealth hide behind silence and discretion..only readable by codes and etiquette.
Absolutely, Jeff. It’s striking how much social background and upbringing can be read through manners and codes in France. More so than job titles or income, which are rarely discussed openly. It reminds me of English culture, where an accent alone can reveal someone’s upbringing.
It means a lot to hear from you. Working two jobs is no small feat, and I can only imagine the energy it takes just to get through the day—let alone to still have room left for kindness, music, and the little pleasures.
I hope you keep holding onto those small joys and never feel you have to apologize for prioritizing them.
Back in the U.S., my job felt like my biggest accomplishment. What you “do” isn’t just small talk, it’s your identity. I couldn’t imagine letting that go. I’d spent years chasing success and money. How do you just… walk away from that?
But now, living in France, I’ve never been busier actually living my life—for me. I’m lucky, sure, to not have to work before a typical retirement age. But more than that, my daughter will grow up knowing that life isn’t meant to be a constant hustle. She’ll learn to value friendships, to enjoy work without being defined by it. That’s what success looks like for us now.
Rick, I love what you wrote about noticing where that “work hard so your kids see it” anxiety really comes from.
I was reminded of a French friend who recently told me how proud he was when his son heard his mom say she had to go to work, and his son responded, “Oh, you’re going to have fun at work!” The dad was absolutely beaming when he told me this story, and it really stuck with me.
Why do we assume our kids need to see us suffering or stressed out by work to learn its value? Wouldn’t it be so much better if the next generation could see work as something that can be fun, and know that it’s okay if it isn’t always—without attaching their worth to how hard they grind?
And yes, I do think it’s easier to step off the hamster wheel outside the U.S. than to try to be the odd one out back home. That’s a big part of why I wrote this piece—to question how much of this is actually “us,” and how much is just the water we’re swimming in.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s got me reflecting even more on how we define success for ourselves and our kids. I’d love to read your take if you do write about it!
I love how you put this, especially the idea that your daughter will grow up knowing life isn’t meant to be a constant hustle. I really hope I can do the same with my kids.
What a gift to be able to redefine what success means for our families.
There’s definitely a part of me—the American in me—that worries, “She won’t understand how hard we worked because she didn’t see us working.” (We’ve been remote since before she was even born.) But I remind myself: that’s my hang-up, not hers. That anxiety lives in my head, not hers.
Now, my job is to model a healthier balance. To show her that her worth isn’t tied to grinding herself down for a job. That it’s okay to work hard while you’re on the clock, but to let that go when the day is done. That a job is something you do—not who you are.
I really appreciate you sharing this topic as it has me thinking about how I once defined success. Perhaps a blog topic for myself to write about. It’s important for many to read, consider and action on for a healthier collective us. Well, at least the us that escaped that in America.
Haha, I know the feeling! But honestly, you can start by adopting just one small habit at a time: a long sit-down lunch your day off, fewer apologies for resting, or simply resisting the urge to check your inbox. That quiet French confidence builds slowly. I'm not entirely there yet either :)
Excellent post. I loved your analysis of the differences between French and American culture. As a bilingual, bicultural Canadian, I would say the difference lies in the fact that the French value savoir vivre more, whereas Americans value savoir faire. As a result, American culture is more goal-directed, with a focus on getting things done. For example, Americans tend to take only two weeks of annual vacation, while the French prefer to take six weeks. Unfortunately, many Americans fall into the la pensée unique trap, believing theirs is the only way. Vive la différence.
Thank you so much for this, Brian! I love how you put it: savoir vivre vs. savoir faire really does capture the essence of what I was trying to express.
And yes, the vacation time difference is real (and the French love to quote that study saying people who take their holidays are actually more successful).
It’s so interesting to hear from someone with a bicultural perspective. I completely agree, the real richness is in seeing (and appreciating) those contrasts, rather than falling into “pensée unique.”
I just came back to America after 6 weeks in Europe with my Polish husband and his family. I felt the exact same thing. No one asked me about work while I was there. It just never came up over the entire month and a half. We were all too busy living.
I moved to France right out of college and stayed, so my entire working life was in France (I'm now retired). The company where I spent most of my career was an international behemoth, and we worked closely with American and Canadian colleagues, with many taking the opportunity to relocate at least for a while to Paris. Off-the-boat Americans frequently inspired both irritation and amusement with their incessant self-promotion and anxious eagerness to eat lunch at their desk, work overtime and weekends, proudly speak corporate gobbledy-gook, and strive to be *positive*.
All this was seen as insincere and egotistical. They in turn saw the French as cynical slackers. Didn't they want to *get ahead*?
But a funny thing happened. Many Americans underwent a sea change. They learned it was OK to take your full hour for lunch, in the canteen or a local bistro, talking about anything but work; that you would be hassled by HR if you *didn't* take your full five weeks of annual paid holiday, because the company is forbidden by law to have you work those days; that you could stay home if you were sick without having to tot up an arbitrary number of allotted sick days. They learned that workers have rights that can be enforced. They gradually dropped the go-go, personal-brand bullshit (pardon my French). They relaxed into a society where it's easier to just be yourself.
They Frenchified.
Thank you so much, Tom! What a fascinating perspective, and so well put! I especially loved your observation about the “go-go, personal-brand bullshit” falling away over time. So funny and true!I’m always interested in how people who move here end up absorbing the French approach, even if they didn’t set out to. Relaxing into a society where it’s easier to just be yourself… beautifully said. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom!
I'm an American working for a French company in Massachusetts. However, my "arm" of the company is its own company reporting to the French CEOs. We get 5 weeks paid vacation (but we still only get 5 sick days a year), and when people from the French team come to visit/work, we often have group lunches that last an hour or more. We often talk about things other than work during those lunches, but our French colleagues have come to understand that in the US, it's inevitable that work will come up during that hour.
In my last annual review, I mentioned to our Global Sales Director (in France), that I had worked for the company for 5 years, and while my role has evolved greatly in that time, my title had not. We knew the French executives didn't care about titles, but my Operations Manager and I explained that in the US, if you've worked for a company for so many years and didn't get a promotion, people started to wonder what was wrong. In the end, they gave me a title change to reflect my current role and a small raise.
I do admit, though, that I envy the slower pace of our French colleagues. They seem to have a richer, fuller life outside of work than we do in the US. It doesn't hurt that they can easily visit several other countries for a weekend jaunt, whereas that's not the case in the US, unless you're on the border with Canada or Mexico (though maybe not the case in our current political climate).
My team is going to France later this year to meet up with our colleagues from France, Germany, Shanghai and Tokyo for a non-work-related gathering. It's nice to see all our colleagues in a different setting, relaxing.
I think the French understand ENOUGH--having done enough, having enough money, enough plans for the weekend or lifetime, etc. while Americans struggle with that.
Yes, beautifully put. I’ve really come to admire that sense of enough in French culture. In the U.S., there’s this pull toward more, better, bigger… the American dream! But enough can feel like a relief.
Katrina, thank you so much for sharing this, it’s such a rich perspective. I find it fascinating how cultural expectations around work—titles, pace, even lunch—play out so differently, even within the same company.
I love that your team advocated for a title change with cultural context in mind, that really says it all. And I completely relate to what you said about envying the pace of life outside of work in France. That sense of fullness isn’t just about long vacations, it’s the little things, like lingering over lunch or taking weekends seriously.
Your upcoming gathering sounds lovely. I hope it’s full of laughter, connection, and very little shop talk!
what a deeply pleasurable comment to read
Not sure if you ever watched it, but Emily In Paris charts this exact course 🤣
Maybe if they worked harder nd longer on the Maginot line, they wouldn’t have been conquered nd needed saving
True, though I think most historians agree that the issue wasn’t just about working harder on the Maginot Line — it was a broader failure in military strategy and underestimating new forms of warfare. The German bypass through Belgium made fixed fortifications largely irrelevant. Always a fascinating (and sobering) example of preparing for the last war rather than the next one.
And it doesn’t let up when you retire. Every article about getting older seems to say that having a purpose is necessary or you will slide into depression and dementia. I had a career with purpose for 40 years. Can’t I just relax now?
Donna, yes! It’s such a strange pressure, isn’t it? As if rest or simple enjoyment isn’t “enough” after clocking decades of meaningful work. The French way of letting life be, without forcing it to feel purposeful at every turn, is something I’ve found so grounding. Of course, you’ve earned the right to just enjoy life, without explanation!
Good point! When do we get to stop trying to be a better version of ourselves? When do we just get to be ourself, period?
Yes! Same here. 40 years of working too hard and too committed, and now when I answer questions about what I do, where I work, "I enjoy life", "I do nothing", I encounter looks full of pity and a certain superiority. What’s your goal? I answer „My main goal is having no goal. Dolce far niente is my second name”
I love this so much. “Dolce far niente is my second name” needs to be on a T-shirt. It takes real courage to step off the hamster wheel, and even more to stay off it when people look at you sideways.
Perfect! I’ll buy that T-shirt.😊
Great idea, thank you so much 🤩 Maybe it should be my next tattoo 😛
Haha, send me a picture when you do! I’d love to see it ☺️
Deal 💪
I find this pressure too. But I also don’t want to fall into a trap of only meeting my needs. I want to continue being of service to community but a with a little less drive and pressure.
I completely agree. Being of service to your community is such a beautiful intention. Maybe you could find smaller, more human-scale ways to do that outside of work. Volunteering at a local library or neighborhood group, or just building relationships that feel rooted in connection rather than output. Purpose without pressure. 💛
Please say it again it’s an enormous amount of pressure. 💯💯💯
I’ve struggled with my purpose since I retired, especially as with health issues I can’t commit to volunteering and I did a lot earlier in my life. My children are now grown and I’m going to relax and let my purpose be to enjoy life, just like you talk about in your very interesting post. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this, Angela. I really feel your words. Maybe this slower season is your full permission to rest and simply enjoy this season. That in itself can be a beautiful kind of purpose. I’m so touched this piece resonated with you 💛
It really made a difference to me and my attitude. Thank you ❤️
I think I might have touched a nerve here. 😄 Here’s to just being, preferably in Paris! 🥐 🍷
Donna, I believe you have! We Americans are so connected to our work. It seems my whole identity is centered in it.
And now that I’m retiring, people are saying,”What will you do without your work?”
Pamela, Pola and I were joking about printing a T-shirt that says “Dolce far niente is my second name.” in the comments below. Maybe that’s the perfect answer when people ask what you’ll do without work. You get to live and enjoy it, hopefully without anyone guilt-tripping you for it.
I think that I need to produce „Dolce…” t-shirts and send you when ready 😊
So much pressure to retire to something or to ensure you have purpose before you retire. It's insane.
Yes! I am like where is the convo about reconnecting to yourself and enjoyment?!
Exactly. That was the advice I got when I retired. Now I just enjoy being in the moment.
YES. I was a social worker and mental health therapist for 37 years. I think it’s time for me to rest and relax now.
Stacia, thank you for the work you’ve done over all those years, that’s an extraordinary gift to so many. Wishing you deep rest, joy, and the gentlest days ahead. You’ve earned them.
I love your article! Somehow, I grew up in NYC, one of the most ambitious cities in the world, but I never really wanted to BE anything. No, I am 20 years into my career as a community college English professor. While I love it, it still feels like work rather than purpose. Granted, it is very meaningful work! But I feel most attuned with my life‘s purpose working in my garden or walking or spending time with friends and family. Thank you for your affirming perspective!
Susanna, thank you for this beautiful reflection. I really felt what you said about meaningful work still feeling like work, and how purpose can live just as fully in a walk or a garden. Your words are such a gentle reminder that “being” doesn’t have to be earned. I’m so glad the piece resonated 💛
I really enjoyed your post! Reminds me of when I was in nursing school (later 40’s to 51) I used to tell my fellow students that RN stood for ‘RETIRED NURSE’ and they would get so angry and say they couldn’t understand how I could be going to school and then I wasn’t even going to work! I would just laugh. I did get my RN and I worked for about 15 years and because my husband retired several years before, I decided to retire. It was the best thing I did. Now I fill my life with things I enjoy doing with and without my husband. I read, watch tv, go to movies, watch my special needs granddaughter, walk at the mall, take trips & cruises with my husband or without, visit my other adult kids, extended family. You get the picture, I hope! I am loving my life now!!!
It sounds like your purpose has shifted toward enjoying your life in a relaxing way!
This sounds amazing, Sheila! Enjoy!
Life is the journey. Every day is an end in itself. No point rushing towards the destination, because the destination is a wooden box!
Hahaha, trust a Brit to distill life’s purpose into “a wooden box” with such perfectly dry precision 😅 But yes, what a reminder to slow down and enjoy the ride. Thanks for this!
What a beautifully human meditation on presence over performance.
There’s something deeply subversive - in the best way - about letting the value of a life be measured in meals shared, books half-read, and weekends without ambition. The French art of être rather than devenir reminds us that maybe meaning isn’t a pursuit. Maybe it’s what quietly accumulates in the margins - while we’re busy being with the people we love, cooking a better risotto, or choosing not to check email after 6pm.
Purpose doesn’t need to be stated to be lived. Sometimes, the most intentional lives are the ones with no LinkedIn headline at all.
Dr. Koch, I’m moved by your words, thank you.
You’ve captured the spirit of this piece more beautifully than I ever could have hoped. Your comment feels like a meditation in itself.
Thank you for reading and for taking the time to share it.
Loved this post! Very similar here in Spain, I wrote a post about it awhile back, but essentially work (and purpose) rarely come up in conversations here. I have friends I’ve had for years that I still don’t actually know what they do, one of my best friends included 😅 I find this lends to a levity in the typical social interactions here that I’ve really come to value.
Yes, maybe it’s a Latin thing? I totally agree that when the career aspect of social life is set aside, you’re free to dive into more meaningful conversations. In French, we call those conversations « refaire le monde », literally, to redo the world and I love that.
In Germany I also saw this exact mindset there, it’s really hard to let go of it when you are surrounded by this - I would call it Protestant work ethic. It’s almost a sin to not have something “useful” to do.
So true, Protestant work ethic really runs deep in certain cultures. Just being can feel like a luxury or even a transgression when everyone around you is chasing productivity. I imagine Germany and the U.S. have a lot in common there. It’s not always easy to unlearn, but I find the French approach helps soften that pressure, at least a little.
Ah, Pamela…this reads like silk draped over a hard truth. I grew up on the American side of that fork in the road, where purpose is a battle cry and burnout is mistaken for passion.
But France… France taught me that living well is a form of ambition. That curiosity can count. That a Tuesday night painting class might be a more radical act of self-definition than any resume bullet.
Here’s where I’m rooting into this slower, richer kind of purpose:
Rooted · The Benthalls
Or as they might say at a wedding toast near the Loire…à la vôtre, hustle culture.
Thank you for your poetic comment! It’s beautiful!
I’ve been mesmerized by French culture ever since I started studying the language in middle school. I’ve also been fortunate to make one very dear friend from France, while I was in college and she was studying abroad, that I’ve had the immense pleasure of visiting a couple of times. I went to her wedding in 2023 and had the absolute best time you could have at a wedding where you knew less than a handful of people. Everyone was SO much fun to talk to and not a SINGLE person asked me what I did for work, which we all know is the first thing an American will ask you when scrambling to make polite conversation. Everyone wanted to talk to me about culture and art and life. And - even better than the talking - we danced from the evening until sunrise to ABBA, Incubus, Jackson 5, New Order, and more. All ages were on the dance floor and having a ball! I slept for three hours, woke up, had a cappuccino and a pain au chocolat while laying under an olive tree and begged god to please let me be French in my next lifetime. 😂 Since then, I read the book “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron which immediately became an all time favorite. While reading her advice to spend weekends getting in touch with your inner artist, delight your inner child with fun hobbies, and envision a more artistic life for yourself, it all felt deeply familiar to me of how the French live their lives. We live to eat, to create art, to consume art, and we work simply to afford all three.
Mary Beth, this is absolutely lovely—thank you for sharing it. I actually wrote a piece specifically about weddings in France, but now I’m thinking I really need to do a follow-up just to honor the musical traditions you described! There’s usually a pretty regimented order to the music at French weddings, and I find it fascinating. And you’re the second person to mention The Artist’s Way to me lately… I think this is my sign to finally read it.
I didn’t know that, how fascinating!! And yes, you will absolutely fall in love with that book. Be prepared though, it requires 12 weeks of dedication to certain writing and tasks but the juice is worth the squeeze! I did it last summer (exactly one year ago) when I was working a job that was draining me and completely flipped my life around in 12 months. A new job, 9 months of being back in school, a published magazine article, a song release, and a substack birthed later, I’m convinced she changed my artistic trajectory!
Wow, Mary Beth, what an incredible testament to the book and to your own creative courage. I love hearing how The Artist’s Way set so much in motion for you. That’s truly inspiring (and, honestly, makes me want to dive in right away, 12-week commitment and all!). Congratulations on everything you’ve created this year!
Oh wow, this resonated with me so much!!! Us North American millennials were taught as kids to "find our passion" and I think that has put undue pressure on us to always be STRIVING. I still feel self-conscious about working less these days in Toronto, and like our culture only appreciates activities/ventures when they make money.
Thank you for sharing this, Jean! I completely relate to what you’re saying. And yes, there’s definitely some of that pressure in France too, but it does feel a bit gentler here.
I really appreciate you sharing your piece. It’s so thoughtful and resonant.
I sooo relate.
Wrote a bit about the PRESSURE to do more here: https://jeangrant.substack.com/p/just-a-dreamy-girl-in-a-do-er-world
I am so happy to read about this!
I am from Canada and moved to Australia when I was 21. I lived there for a good 8 years and it profoundly changed my relationship to work and my definition of “purpose”. I don’t think this applies to the whole country, but I lived mostly by the ocean, except for couple of years in Melbourne so my experience was also shaped by the environment.
I found it confronting at first: uni didn’t matter? It was just a tool to a means. People had no clear career goals? I judged people around me as being purposeless, just drifting. I just didn’t know how to relate to it all.
I eventually got curious instead of defensive and realised that their ambition was something entirely different than the ideas that had raised me up to then. They cared about weekend plans, being able to take a morning off when the waves were great, the ambition was to build a full life outside of work, and work was a way to attain them, not the goal itself. This perspective has changed me and I will carry it with me forever.
Fast forward to now, and I live in the US. The culture difference around work is crushing. My husband and I are trying to find our footing, figure out how to navigate this idea of what work is and means amongst building and raising our family, and it really feels like going against the current. We’re running after our tails and it never seems like it’s enough. People take pride in working 4 jobs and every weekend - they have to or they’ll never catch a break it seems.
My husband and I often discuss the many ways we could build our own business, one that honours the work values we hold dear and truly miss. It’s just soooo far away from what the US seems to be all about.
The shift has to start somewhere at some point.
Your writing shows that it EXISTS! It’s a reminder we’re more than workers. It’s a reminder to live a full life, as hard as our environment makes it.
The change needs to happen from within first I think. We need to know there are other ways to work and live. I hold on to my Australian experience as a knowing that things can and should be different and it’s enough to keep us swimming against current for now.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Gabry, what a journey. I loved reading how Australia reshaped your definition of ambition and purpose. That idea of building a full life outside of work really is what it’s about.
And I so hear you on the culture shock of the U.S., that crushing pace, the pride in exhaustion, the feeling that rest is a luxury no one can afford. It’s hard to hold on to a different vision when everything around you pushes the opposite.
But I completely agree, the shift starts within. Just knowing another way exists can be enough to keep going, even if the environment doesn’t reflect it yet. Thank you for this thoughtful and generous comment. I’m rooting for you both. 💛
very true (a French talking), for us it's kind of unpolite to say what you do and very unpolite how much you make. and as people are very jealous they'll hate you just because you make more money than they do. True wealth hide behind silence and discretion..only readable by codes and etiquette.
Absolutely, Jeff. It’s striking how much social background and upbringing can be read through manners and codes in France. More so than job titles or income, which are rarely discussed openly. It reminds me of English culture, where an accent alone can reveal someone’s upbringing.
Splendid essay. I almost want to cry.
I'm a middle-aged American man with two respectable jobs but no prospects and little hope for "success" in the future.
Each day, I think about which friend needs a cupcake and which book to suggest to strangers.
I want to really taste my bagel, and really listen to the music I listen to. I find it preferable to staring into the abyss.
My recreation, meals, and sleep are closer to me than my work, which seems to insult many who hear me say so.
Which is better: losing half of one's waking hours to some endeavor of minimal importance, or a lovely pastry?
Thank you for allowing me insight into your perspective. It'll stick with me.
Thank you so much for your message, George.
It means a lot to hear from you. Working two jobs is no small feat, and I can only imagine the energy it takes just to get through the day—let alone to still have room left for kindness, music, and the little pleasures.
I hope you keep holding onto those small joys and never feel you have to apologize for prioritizing them.
Back in the U.S., my job felt like my biggest accomplishment. What you “do” isn’t just small talk, it’s your identity. I couldn’t imagine letting that go. I’d spent years chasing success and money. How do you just… walk away from that?
But now, living in France, I’ve never been busier actually living my life—for me. I’m lucky, sure, to not have to work before a typical retirement age. But more than that, my daughter will grow up knowing that life isn’t meant to be a constant hustle. She’ll learn to value friendships, to enjoy work without being defined by it. That’s what success looks like for us now.
Rick, I love what you wrote about noticing where that “work hard so your kids see it” anxiety really comes from.
I was reminded of a French friend who recently told me how proud he was when his son heard his mom say she had to go to work, and his son responded, “Oh, you’re going to have fun at work!” The dad was absolutely beaming when he told me this story, and it really stuck with me.
Why do we assume our kids need to see us suffering or stressed out by work to learn its value? Wouldn’t it be so much better if the next generation could see work as something that can be fun, and know that it’s okay if it isn’t always—without attaching their worth to how hard they grind?
And yes, I do think it’s easier to step off the hamster wheel outside the U.S. than to try to be the odd one out back home. That’s a big part of why I wrote this piece—to question how much of this is actually “us,” and how much is just the water we’re swimming in.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s got me reflecting even more on how we define success for ourselves and our kids. I’d love to read your take if you do write about it!
That’s amazing, Rich.
I love how you put this, especially the idea that your daughter will grow up knowing life isn’t meant to be a constant hustle. I really hope I can do the same with my kids.
What a gift to be able to redefine what success means for our families.
Thank you for sharing this perspective!
There’s definitely a part of me—the American in me—that worries, “She won’t understand how hard we worked because she didn’t see us working.” (We’ve been remote since before she was even born.) But I remind myself: that’s my hang-up, not hers. That anxiety lives in my head, not hers.
Now, my job is to model a healthier balance. To show her that her worth isn’t tied to grinding herself down for a job. That it’s okay to work hard while you’re on the clock, but to let that go when the day is done. That a job is something you do—not who you are.
I really appreciate you sharing this topic as it has me thinking about how I once defined success. Perhaps a blog topic for myself to write about. It’s important for many to read, consider and action on for a healthier collective us. Well, at least the us that escaped that in America.
God I wish I was French
Haha, I know the feeling! But honestly, you can start by adopting just one small habit at a time: a long sit-down lunch your day off, fewer apologies for resting, or simply resisting the urge to check your inbox. That quiet French confidence builds slowly. I'm not entirely there yet either :)
Excellent post. I loved your analysis of the differences between French and American culture. As a bilingual, bicultural Canadian, I would say the difference lies in the fact that the French value savoir vivre more, whereas Americans value savoir faire. As a result, American culture is more goal-directed, with a focus on getting things done. For example, Americans tend to take only two weeks of annual vacation, while the French prefer to take six weeks. Unfortunately, many Americans fall into the la pensée unique trap, believing theirs is the only way. Vive la différence.
Thank you so much for this, Brian! I love how you put it: savoir vivre vs. savoir faire really does capture the essence of what I was trying to express.
And yes, the vacation time difference is real (and the French love to quote that study saying people who take their holidays are actually more successful).
It’s so interesting to hear from someone with a bicultural perspective. I completely agree, the real richness is in seeing (and appreciating) those contrasts, rather than falling into “pensée unique.”
Vive la différence, indeed!
I just came back to America after 6 weeks in Europe with my Polish husband and his family. I felt the exact same thing. No one asked me about work while I was there. It just never came up over the entire month and a half. We were all too busy living.
Thank you, Dakota. Isn’t it such a relief when work fades into the background and life takes center stage? Sounds like a beautiful trip.