Thank you, Angus — that means a lot! I really wanted to keep the tone playful without bashing anyone. I’ve been lucky to have kind and thoughtful boyfriends and male friends in both countries, so I’m glad that came through.
Haha, say no more! I feel like “I married a Dutch dude” should be its own genre of essay. I’d love to hear your version, I’m sure it comes with a whole other rulebook!
This was so fun! I have also dated on both sides of the ocean, so this was a fun prompt in reminiscing. I landed on an American, but had sweet times with French boyfriends, too! Your description of draguer is on point and can be one of those cultural things which surprise us when we’re used to the American way. Oh and that a smile from a girl apparently is much more provocative in France!
You are leaving out a major player in French relationships: L’Etat. So many life decisions which are personal (and therefore up for discussion and negotiation) in American relationships are made by the state in France. This makes for a very different relationship scene where l’Amour takes precedence over practicalities (since these are already taken care of)
Thanks, Anna! I see what you mean. France does have strong social systems that remove a lot of practical stressors. But my piece was really more about emotional culture than state structure: how French men often feel more at ease with vulnerability, intimacy, and physical affection. That’s the contrast I was most interested in exploring.
I think (and I have lived in Paris for a very long time) that the impact of state decision making on personal relationships is wildly overlooked and the root cause of much marital stress!
That’s such a thoughtful point, Anna. It’s true that policy can shape so many aspects of personal life. I hadn’t considered that link as directly. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
That doesn’t conflict or contradict my point. We all, wherever we are from, show up to relationships believing that some things are up for negotiation and others are dealt with by cultural norms.
Absolutely. We all carry assumptions about what’s negotiable and what’s not. I think that’s part of what makes cross-cultural relationships so fascinating. We’re often operating on different unspoken rulebooks.
Absolutely always. And the French are very preoccupied with intense emotions in relationships because they grow up in an infantilising state structure that takes most of life’s major decisions for them.
Thank you, Anna. That’s such an interesting take. I’m curious, what are some of the things you feel the state decides for the French that would be different elsewhere?
The contrat de mariage. The fiscal system with a huge tax take and mind-boggling bureaucracy to recover subsidies (childcare, house repairs, healthcare, education…) that have massive gaps in them.
I can completely understand how navigating those systems can be overwhelming. It’s a side of French life I hadn’t directly touched on in this piece, but I appreciate you bringing it into the conversation.
Very very true. Especially agree about the French way being both that you are dating after going out twice but you’re also that you don’t really know about the future. It’s fun.
Yes, exactly! There’s such a relaxed confidence in that approach. No need to define everything too quickly, yet also no fear of being in it. It’s kind of freeing, isn’t it?
"We are dating" - from a guy 2 dates in was kind of amazingly freeing. I mean no situationship? what universe is this. But at the same time, the dating leads to something else. It is serious but still not everything. It's been interesting times.
Love this Pamela! I have to say I I’m pleased that there is tie - I appreciate you setting out pluses and minuses of each. Sometimes we over romanticize one culture over the other. Great read 🥰
Thank you so much, Jane! I’m really glad that came through. I definitely wanted to avoid the trap of romanticizing one side over the other. Both cultures have their charms and their blind spots!
When I lived in New Orleans a French man named Thierry (beautiful French name) pursued me heavily at a party. He knew of me through my neighbor and good friend. It was her party. I had just broken up with someone and wasn't ready. I was honest and he declared "I am French. I am a wonderful lover. How could you not want to be with Thierry?" 🥳
This is so on point—Thierry really leaned all the way into the French confidence! There’s nothing quite like a Frenchman’s declaration of his own charms, especially after a drink or two. Thanks for sharing this, it made me laugh out loud! Some things are just so French.
Having lived between nyc and Paris this is a really great summary honestly. I have a million other things to add to the list but you keep it cleverly concise and to the point. Yes it depends on the preference!
Thank you so much! Living between NYC and Paris definitely gives you a front row seat to all the quirks and contrasts—I’m sure you have plenty of stories and additions! I’d love to hear what you’d add to the list.
I dated a French guy in college back in my smoking era. He and his French mates would all put their pack of cigs in the middle of the table as would I. Inevitably, they would smoke all of mine and leave theirs. So American guys for the win.
That’s a nice article . I was pleased to read something that was positive about guys! Most of us do our best.
Thank you, Angus — that means a lot! I really wanted to keep the tone playful without bashing anyone. I’ve been lucky to have kind and thoughtful boyfriends and male friends in both countries, so I’m glad that came through.
I married a Dutch dude, so ….
Haha, say no more! I feel like “I married a Dutch dude” should be its own genre of essay. I’d love to hear your version, I’m sure it comes with a whole other rulebook!
I married my Frenchie boyfriend…
Proof that sometimes the French boyfriend experience really does stick! Hope he’s still bringing the charm :)
This was so fun! I have also dated on both sides of the ocean, so this was a fun prompt in reminiscing. I landed on an American, but had sweet times with French boyfriends, too! Your description of draguer is on point and can be one of those cultural things which surprise us when we’re used to the American way. Oh and that a smile from a girl apparently is much more provocative in France!
Thanks for sharing your experience, Emilie. It’s so fun to hear from others who’ve lived both sides.
You are leaving out a major player in French relationships: L’Etat. So many life decisions which are personal (and therefore up for discussion and negotiation) in American relationships are made by the state in France. This makes for a very different relationship scene where l’Amour takes precedence over practicalities (since these are already taken care of)
Thanks, Anna! I see what you mean. France does have strong social systems that remove a lot of practical stressors. But my piece was really more about emotional culture than state structure: how French men often feel more at ease with vulnerability, intimacy, and physical affection. That’s the contrast I was most interested in exploring.
I think (and I have lived in Paris for a very long time) that the impact of state decision making on personal relationships is wildly overlooked and the root cause of much marital stress!
That’s such a thoughtful point, Anna. It’s true that policy can shape so many aspects of personal life. I hadn’t considered that link as directly. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
That doesn’t conflict or contradict my point. We all, wherever we are from, show up to relationships believing that some things are up for negotiation and others are dealt with by cultural norms.
Absolutely. We all carry assumptions about what’s negotiable and what’s not. I think that’s part of what makes cross-cultural relationships so fascinating. We’re often operating on different unspoken rulebooks.
Absolutely always. And the French are very preoccupied with intense emotions in relationships because they grow up in an infantilising state structure that takes most of life’s major decisions for them.
Thank you, Anna. That’s such an interesting take. I’m curious, what are some of the things you feel the state decides for the French that would be different elsewhere?
The contrat de mariage. The fiscal system with a huge tax take and mind-boggling bureaucracy to recover subsidies (childcare, house repairs, healthcare, education…) that have massive gaps in them.
I can completely understand how navigating those systems can be overwhelming. It’s a side of French life I hadn’t directly touched on in this piece, but I appreciate you bringing it into the conversation.
Very very true. Especially agree about the French way being both that you are dating after going out twice but you’re also that you don’t really know about the future. It’s fun.
Yes, exactly! There’s such a relaxed confidence in that approach. No need to define everything too quickly, yet also no fear of being in it. It’s kind of freeing, isn’t it?
"We are dating" - from a guy 2 dates in was kind of amazingly freeing. I mean no situationship? what universe is this. But at the same time, the dating leads to something else. It is serious but still not everything. It's been interesting times.
I’m glad it’s been a good kind of interesting!
Love this Pamela! I have to say I I’m pleased that there is tie - I appreciate you setting out pluses and minuses of each. Sometimes we over romanticize one culture over the other. Great read 🥰
Thank you so much, Jane! I’m really glad that came through. I definitely wanted to avoid the trap of romanticizing one side over the other. Both cultures have their charms and their blind spots!
When I lived in New Orleans a French man named Thierry (beautiful French name) pursued me heavily at a party. He knew of me through my neighbor and good friend. It was her party. I had just broken up with someone and wasn't ready. I was honest and he declared "I am French. I am a wonderful lover. How could you not want to be with Thierry?" 🥳
This is so on point—Thierry really leaned all the way into the French confidence! There’s nothing quite like a Frenchman’s declaration of his own charms, especially after a drink or two. Thanks for sharing this, it made me laugh out loud! Some things are just so French.
Et aussi je parle français donc il a aimé ça. (and also I speak french so he liked that😝)
Loved this. Thanks. :)
Thank you for reading!
I have always wanted to go to France. I really enjoy your posts about French culture. :)
Thank you! I hope you get to visit someday—there’s so much to experience, and I’m happy my posts can offer a little window into it.
Having lived between nyc and Paris this is a really great summary honestly. I have a million other things to add to the list but you keep it cleverly concise and to the point. Yes it depends on the preference!
Thank you so much! Living between NYC and Paris definitely gives you a front row seat to all the quirks and contrasts—I’m sure you have plenty of stories and additions! I’d love to hear what you’d add to the list.
I landed on Swiss-German which turned out to be (my) deliciously unexpected best of all worlds ✨😘
Love it!
Beautiful 🤎
Thank you, Victor.
I dated a French guy in college back in my smoking era. He and his French mates would all put their pack of cigs in the middle of the table as would I. Inevitably, they would smoke all of mine and leave theirs. So American guys for the win.
Haha oh no!! There are bad apples (and cheap smokers) everywhere, I guess!
He did make a killer breakfast and introduced me to le french press which I found very fancy so there’s that. ❤️
Oh maybe French press and breakfast almost make up for the cigarette theft?!
Ha touche!
“Sometimes it feels like you’re dating a philosophy student who forgot to ask how your day was.” So true!